LJ Idol Week 3 - In Another Castle

[jexia]

(trigger warning)

There's a song about him, you know. They teach it to little kids. It's a piece of doggerel, meaningless, nonsensical. Those that look closer imagine it mocking some upper-class toff and his ineffectual battle tactics.

It wasn't that simple.

It never is.

Oh, he was grand all right, fat as a house, with all the venison and pigeon pies. Liked his wine, too, he did. Of course he didn't share with a lowly bard like me. It was all pottage and ale down there, mate.

But there was plenty of ale, oh yes. It'd flow until we fell off the benches. Funny, I don't remember drinking that much. But I remember falling.

I'd only been at his castle a few days when I knew something was really wrong. I might have been young, but I'd been drunk plenty of times. Woken up as sick as a turnip, too, but never with a sore arse before. So the next night I hid in the corner with the cobwebs.

The ale was poured, and the others drank and laughed, drank and stumbled, drank and fell on the floor. He came rolling in, reeking and repulsive. His name was Richard, you know, but I think of him as "Dick". He was getting on a bit by then, well past the age that most dukes have been betrothed to some little lass.

I guess I found out why he'd never bothered with little lasses. I closed my eyes and stayed as small as I could. Don't make me explain. All I'll say is it wasn't hills he was marching up.

Years later, I did the sums. If that was what he did every night, he'd had at least ten thousand men. Let me tell you, I couldn't wait to get out of there. When he'd finally had his fill, I took my lute and ran.

Never went back, neither. There's been plenty of other castles for me over the years, but never that one. Never again.

I wish I'd stopped him. But how could I? He had so much power, so much money. All I had was my lute. All I could do was write the song.

Now everyone thinks of him as a bit of a buffoon, when they think of him at all.

It helps, a little.

Comments

[jexia]

I was stumped by this topic. My only idea was someone's first day as a Disneyland princess, and it was intimidating. My goal is to actually manage to write a piece with character description and dialogue. I might manage it one day. BUT IT IS NOT THIS DAY.

So tonight I took my kids for a walk. I started to teach them "The Grand Old Duke of York". My four-year-old twins had trouble with the first line, so I broke it down and explained.

"Oh!" said my girl twin. "I thought it was a girl!"

That made me giggle at the vision of "had ten thousand men". So I sat down to write a gender-bent rewritten historical nursery rhyme sort of thing.

I'm....not sure how I ended up here from there, although it involved a detour via a high-class New York prostitute named Daisy. I know this is creepy, and I am surprised at myself. Apologies to the Duke of York and his descendants.

Constructive criticism is VERY welcome.

[lyz-nz.livejournal.com]

Wow, chilling all right. You explain so MUCH with just a turn of phrase. I can nearly picture your bard. Excellent!

[smellykaka.livejournal.com]

The only thought I had was that 'mate' felt a bit anachronistic.

[jexia]

Yeah, I pondered that, too.

[i-love-freddie.livejournal.com]

Woah, that was quite chilling. I think what I like most is that you got across the horror of the situation without going into graphic details. This is proof that sometimes less is more. :)

[jexia]

Thanks. I think people's imaginations are worse than anything I can pin down with words.

[basric.livejournal.com]

It was a good story. I understand his fear -- powerful people would crush lowly bards. Sounds like he did worse than that to them.

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

Nice twist.

(How sick are turnips, normally?)

[jexia]

Depends - mashed, boiled or stewed?

[ailbhe]

Yup.

[solstice-singer.livejournal.com]

Some people really do abuse their power, which causes many to fear them. We instinctively know that, because of the power they wield, we cannot change what they do, no matter how badly we might want to.

This was a well-written piece.

[jexia]

Thank you.

[kickthehobbit.livejournal.com]

This was quite good.

[jexia]

Any thoughts on making it very good?

[kickthehobbit.livejournal.com]

More signs I should be more careful with my choice of words! ;)

I think it is very good as it is. I would like to see it made a little longer, but that's more personal preference—wanting to know more about this bard and how he ended up there—than anything else, and I don't think the piece suffers at all from being as short as it is. On the contrary—you've managed to write something very short that packs a helluva punch and conveys the story quite neatly without seeming as though it ends too abruptly.

[jexia]

I know exactly what you mean, though I am deliberately keeping my pieces short at this point. People have SO MUCH to read, and I know myself that if things are more than a few paragraphs- especially if they're longer- my eyes glaze over!

[kickthehobbit.livejournal.com]

Yup, but I persist in posting longer things, because I'm incapable of keeping things below 3K words, evidently. ;)

[jexia]

Different styles for different folks!


I absolutely LOATHED the ENGL124 class I had to do at first year uni... never thought it would be what I used most often!

[smellykaka.livejournal.com]

Reminds me of a high school textbook. "Pleasure in English". It was so obvious how to graffiti the cover to make it more accurate.

[uncawes.livejournal.com]

I wonder if the current Duke of York would approve of his predecessor's antics :)
Nice twist on a kid's song, and well done to your 4yo for giving you the kick start

[jexia]

Thank you!

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

I'm not familiar with this children's song, but I liked the leaps of logic that led you to this unexpected place. The Duke doesn't have a huge army-- he's just an abusive monster!

Nice period detail and story told-by-implication without getting too explicit.

[jexia]

Hubby asked what I was doing... "just looking up the etymology for 'arse'". I couldn't use hiding in the cupboard, because cupboard referred to a shelf back then, that sort of thing!

[violaconspiracy.livejournal.com]

I actually don't know the song, but I enjoyed the post anyway. I like that it ends up being the person telling the story who was the author of the song.

[jexia]

Thanks! I'm surprised people don't know "The Grand Old Duke of York", but I guess NZ has more of a British background in its nursery rhymes.

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

Wow, this is harsh but well done.

[jexia]

Thanks.

[tatdatcm.livejournal.com]

You really put a lot of story into a short piece. Well done.

[jexia]

Thanks - every word has to count, right?

[i-17bingo.livejournal.com]

Duke of York? More like Douche of York. Amiright?

This icked me out (which means you did it right), partly because it isn't really all than an improbable scenerio, given all the power and sexual repression and what that leads to.

*ugh*

[jexia]

Douche of York, for sure!

Thanks.

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

So much power imbalance - creepy and chilling!

I didn't know the song, either, being a Yank - I've heard it in the past, but not often, so my brain went to Old King Cole. If you revisit this piece, wonder if it's worth leading off with a line or two of the song, or putting a verse in somewhere?

[jexia]

I thought of doing that, but thought it was more universal than it seems to be! I might just do that.

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

This was well written and I like the take on the topic.

[jexia]

Thank you - I really appreciate this comment given what I've seen of your work.

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

Aww - thank you! :)

[favoritebean.livejournal.com]

If it hadn't been for the comments, I would have never known the song. How truly creepy this scenario is! I'll never think of that song the same way again.

[jexia]

Yeah, it kinda broke for me, too.

[eska818.livejournal.com]

This made me sad, but it is well-written.

[jexia]

Thank you.

[witches.livejournal.com]

this is so well written and really powerful *hugs*

[jexia]

Thanks - I appreciate that.

[sweeny-todd.livejournal.com]

Wow - what a take!! This is clever and chilling too. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

[jexia]

Thank you!

[eternal-ot.livejournal.com]

Poor lad, i say...and a wonderful take as well!..:)

[elvagreenfield.livejournal.com]

This was a brilliant piece of writing.

[jexia]

Wow, thank you.

[karmasoup.livejournal.com]

O - M - G! I had to go youtube this song, didn't know it at all, and found THIS version:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3PUpef5OPE

That made this story SO FABULOUS!!!

[jexia]

...apropos!